im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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