It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
