We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
