I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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