you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
