dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
