My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
