I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
