I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
