If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
