i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
