I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Randomize
