Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
