A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
