Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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