Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
