mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
