after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
