I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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