Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
