I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
