I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize