2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
