i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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