she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
