im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Randomize
