I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
