i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
