you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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