Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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