I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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