did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
