checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
they're like a gay fantastic four
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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