Sponge bath it is.
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
