I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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