After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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