i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I have peed in a lot of sinks
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
