i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
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