found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Randomize
