Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
