I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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