Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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