My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
