he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
