Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
