Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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