This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I fill condoms, not promises.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
