I can tuck mytits in my pants
fuck your aforementioned shoe
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
