So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Randomize
