We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
That accounts for only three of the penises
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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