i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
the day after is always just damage control
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I stole a fireplace last night.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
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