I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
