my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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