Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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