great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
