I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
