the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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