When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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