Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
That's how pantless uber rides happen
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
