I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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